Mayhem Last May

Ah, the May that was solemn and sullen.  I'm pretty sure of not being the first mom blogger with mixed feelings for the flowery month.  If only it was whisk - deep as, "I love December for all the gatherings.  I hate it for sanding down my credit card".  May had me celebrating phenomenal moms, lost moms, and "I can't believe she's a mom" moms.  I can't say with full confidence that I toasted to my own motherhood the best way I could as May also marked the first death anniversary of a fellow mom, a dear friend of mine whose bipolar disease sent her to heaven way too early(Well, that's how it felt).  I wanted to use this blog entry for Mother's Day but I was struggling with grief.  Like I told you, not whisk - deep; more of Triton stirring the ocean - deep.  But before this entry goes on, a little revelation if I may.  Notice what my friend wrote on the scrapbook page she made during my baby shower:

"If there's one word to describe this picture, it would be DEEP". - Redge

Our connection remained even beyond her mortality.  In my sleep she showed me some of her own memories that I would otherwise not know of, and finally an image of pearls in the ocean arranged to profile her face glistening in the moonlight.  I celebrated her and yet I felt sad and bitter.  Was it grief?  It was only yesterday that I decided to call it missing and remembering.  Grief only held me back.  Missing and remembering did not lead to understanding but they helped me go on.  It was never the Resurrection that I doubted.  It was whether the ones she left behind can live their lives celebrating what they learned from hers.   If I get reunited with her and the angels boast of her brilliance, I would only be too itching to say, "Please.  I've already seen that when she was still on earth".